The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
