Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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