gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
