The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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