Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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