We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
