genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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