that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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