I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
