did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
