wrigley field is MILF paradise
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
