hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
