I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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