I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
