Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
