you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize