I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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