I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
