If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
