Rock
Scissors
Fuck
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
