Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
zippers are such a cool invention
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Boobs speak an international language.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
