It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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