Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
