were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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