Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
