how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
