I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
