Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
