Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
it's great music for shaving your balls
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
