So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
