I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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