I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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