Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
