I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
