I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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