Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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