How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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