No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize