Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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