me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize