Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
