I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
