There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
