You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
