I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize