i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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