The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
