Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
