Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
