she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
