We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
