When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Randomize
