Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
