Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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