just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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