I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
