And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
