the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
