if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
