How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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