ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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