You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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