My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
