Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize