i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
