By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
