Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
two words...techno handjob
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize