So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
