please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
