Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
