u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
