I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
