Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
