you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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